Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Randomize
