Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
