He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
