im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
