New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
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