Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Randomize
