I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
