We're like a lot better than the average bears
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
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