We got so high we made milksteak
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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