I wannas sexs uuuuu
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
