No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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