how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
