Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
