i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
