idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
