dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
