Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
