so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
