bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
