I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
