mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Randomize
