i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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