Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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