Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
