think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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