it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
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