I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
