Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Randomize
