cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Randomize
