She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
