party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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