I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
