i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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