My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
