new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
