I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
now i know why i became what i already was.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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