No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
