i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
