Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
