I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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