It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
