new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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