pop tarts are not kleenex
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
