I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
