dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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