there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
