ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
