I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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