someone threw a dead crab at me
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Randomize
