remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Come share oat with me in your robe
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
